Building on our strengths: growing connection and cohesion in the family unit
This is a guest blog written by India Gaddes, one of four undergraduate Psychological Sciences students from the University of Newcastle, that ADHD Done Differently has the pleasure of working with as part of their Work Integrated Learning placement over term 1 and term 2 of 2024. As part of their placement, they have been investigating neurodiversity, ADHD, and evidence-based supports that will benefit parents/carers in raising their ADHDers.
Family life can be difficult.
Living and growing with the ones you love is a beautiful experience, but when we add into the equation the stresses of daily life; unfinished homework, mountains of laundry, overtime at work and hungry children, sometimes beautiful isn’t the right word.
Families with ADHD children are likely familiar with that overwhelming feeling, as the requirements of time, energy, cost, and emotional labour in the parenting of ADHD children tend to outweigh that of their neurotypical peers. It might feel like everything is a battle; deadlines are looming, the kitchen remains uncleaned, and your child is actively demonstrating their autonomy on the subject of hair-brushing (or lack their of!).
The good news is, there are ways we can manage the daily stress in our lives, and every family (and family member) has strengths to be built on. Here are a few things that you can do to support your family’s wellbeing:
A Shift in Mindset
I (India) am personally don’t have ADHD, and I didn’t grow up in an ADHD household. I’m sure many parents reading this are in the same boat as me, never having had much exposure to ADHD until they experienced it with their own child.
But, I have learned, during my investigation into ADHD and families, that ADHD is often misunderstood and families can often be treated unfairly. It is very easy to fall into the trap of thinking of an ADHDer as ‘a challenging child,’ or seeing them for their faults.
The truth is, children do well with what they have. They work with the resources in front of them – their environment, their relationships, their own skill set, and their current situation. Even small tweaks/changes to these aspects of their lives can make the world of difference.
Think about the moments your child flourishes, these may be different to that of their peers, or neurotypical family members. Lean into these successes, and think about the skills your child is displaying, as well as the outside factors allowing them to practise such skills; this might be a good night of sleep, an environment with less distraction, or the fact that they are completing an activity they enjoy.
The idea is to shift focus away from what your child finds challenging, towards a strengths-based focus where we can achieve family wellbeing.
We can do this by:
1) Understanding our children and why they respond the way they do!
2) Collaborating with our children
3) Social Supports
4) Mindfulness
Understanding our Children
Often the things we can find difficult to cope with in children, often stem from an incompatibility between their current skills and our expectations of them. For example: We might expect our children to do their homework without any fuss, but in reality, the result might be a melt-down or argument. In situations like this, it can sometimes feel like children are trying to manipulate or attention-seek to get out of doing something.
However, we can remind ourselves that this behaviour is communication.
It may help to ask yourself, when/where/why is my child responding like this?
Do they respond like this whenever you ask them to do their homework?
Is it only directly after school? Is it when their favourite TV show is on?
Reminding ourselves that our ADHDers have challenges with attention, emotional regulation and often school work – it makes sense that they may meltdown when you ask them to do something like homework.
By looking deeper at when, where and what they are melting down over, can give us clues into why they are struggling. Have we asked our child to maintain focus, or transition from something they are enjoying? Does your child have difficulty expressing their concerns or frustrations?
When our expectations of children are incompatible with their skills we can all often can get frustrated and angry. However, it is usually because we are asking them to do something that demands a greater capacity/skill set than they actually have. It is important not to put unrealistic expectations on ADHD children, like expecting them to do homework after a full day of school. It may be helpful to consult this checklist from Lives in the Balance to identify areas your child might find challenging.
Collaboration
Collaboration raises children’s self-esteem and is a learning environment for independence and creativity. Parents benefit from collaboration in the mutual respect and teamwork it builds, as well as the reduction in family conflict, and awareness of child-needs. (Neven et al., 2002).
It’s important to remember that children need to feel listened to, understood and respected.
In my work with children, I often think about how I would feel if someone spoke to me the way we sometimes talk to them. I know I wouldn’t like to be directed around or have my favourite TV show turned off mid-episode and told to go brush my teeth. And there are some days I really don’t want to go to work and would rather stay home to watch a movie.
The shift to a mindset of collaboration is vital.
It shares the responsibility between you as the parent/carer and child, as well as embracing what the child has to offer. It might feel different, or even difficult to ask for your child’s perspective or to validate their emotions, and it may not come naturally to you, but it can really make a difference in the peace around your home and the way your family functions!
I find these 3 steps outlined by Greene & Winkler (2019), to be helpful guide:
1. Meet your child with empathy and curiosity.
* Try saying something like “I can see you don’t want to go to school today, what’s going on buddy?’
* If they don’t answer or can’t tell you, you can ask probing questions (e.g. “What classes are you enjoying/disliking?) until you understand the child’s difficulties (e.g. The child doesn’t want to go to school because they have maths class today.)
2. Define your concerns.
* This falls into two categories: concern for your child and concern for others (including you!)
* You could try saying something like, “The problem is, if you miss out on another maths class, it will be even harder for you to catch up with the class” or “I can’t stay home to take care of you today, because there are lots of other children/people who need my help at work today.”
3. Intervention/Collaboration and problem solving
* This is where you collaborate together to come up with a solution.
* You could ask them something like “How can we solve this problem?”
Children are often better at coming up with solutions for themselves, than you would expect, like “My teacher doesn’t let anyone take a break during class, maybe you (parent/carer) could speak to them?” This might not happen straight away. Be persistent here. You can model solutions if needed.
If you are interested in reading more about this head over to Collaborative and Proactive Solutions.
SOCIAL SUPPORTS
Research tells us that social support is a protective factor against parenting stress – in fact the more support you have, the less stress you will feel.
Phoning a friend might just be what you need! It might be the last thing you feel like doing when there are a million things happening at home, or you feel judged at the school gate. However, finding like-minded parents in similar circumstances, can allow for emotional support AND the opportunity to not be judged and sometimes even learn from the experience of others – after all, who knows more about ADHD parenting than ADHDer’s parents?
There is a sense of hope, unity, and community to be found in the company of other ADHD families. Aiding each other with your own developed strategies and resources can be a powerful thing. Research also tells us that these relationships will reduce the sense of isolation, stigma and discrimination you may feel as a parent/caregiver of an ADHDer.
Don’t have any ideas of where to find these families? Here are some places to start:
Support Groups: Local family or parent/based support groups which focus on bringing together ADHD families in your area are worthwhile looking in to.
ADHD Done Differently runs a FREE online parent/carer group which aims to support and empower parents of neurodivergent children and teens in Australia. To find out more, head over to our Parent/Carer Group. Join up to the mailing list to find out information about when they are coming up. We have our next group coming up on May 20th 2024 – register now!
Facebook groups: There are often local or even general facebook groups which can bring a sense of solidarity to parents who may choose to share stories and advice – and of course, come together to support each other.
ADHD Done Differently has a facebook group called “Parenting our Amazing kids with ADHD” for families all around Australia. You can request to join HERE.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is a pretty loose term, we’ve all heard of it, but what does it actually mean?
Mindfulness encompasses a lot of different things, but at its core it is:
* the act of being present in the current moment; noticing your own physical, mental and emotional feelings
* turning towards experiences – good or bad – and accepting them as they come, then letting them go
* adopting a non-judgmental, kind, and curious view of the world and of yourself.
I personally think that its hard to really understand these mindfulness concepts until you dive into the practice and experience it for yourself. It’s easy to think ‘of course I am mindful, I reflect on my life and notice what’s happening around me all day long!’ That’s certainly what I felt.
But the thing that’s missing from many peoples lives, is those moments of being rather than doing. I know what its like to run around all day at work, come home and cook and clean and shower, and then finally flop in front of the TV and switch off my brain. The thing is, I probably didn’t have a moment of true presence that whole day. Not one moment I tuned into my own body and brain, or to the experience of what I was doing.
It can be so beneficial to add some whole family mindfulness time into your day. Parents/carers of ADHDers have identified some benefits of mindfulness as:
* allowing insight on their own mental health and parenting, as well as an increase in self-regulation (Leitch, 2021)
* Decreasing conflict in the parent-child relationship and allowing for interpersonal mindfulness and less overreactivity in the parent (Leitch, 2021)
Practising mindfulness alongside your children has also been shown to provide benefits to both parent/carer and child. It decreases overreactivity and stress in parents as well as inattention and hyperactivity of both parents and their children (van der Oord et al., 2012).
If you need help finding some supports, try accessing some of the following:
* Headspace (Meditation/Mindfulness app)
* Smiling Mind (Meditation/Mindfulness app)
* Mindspot clinic (free assessment, consultation and treatment via phone/online, with or without guidance from a Mindspot therapist):
* The Brave Program (free online anxiety treatment/prevention program as part of a research project at the University of Queensland).
References
Leitch, S., Sciberras, E., Rinehart, N., & Evans, S. (2023). Co-designed Mindful Parenting for Parents of Children with ADHD: A Pilot and Feasibility Study. Child Psychiatry and Human Development, 54(2), 406–420. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10578-021-01260-0
van der Oord, S., Bögels, S. M., & Peijnenburg, D. (2012). The Effectiveness of Mindfulness Training for Children with ADHD and Mindful Parenting for their Parents. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 21(1), 139–147. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-011-9457-0
Greene, R., & Winkler, J. (2019). Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS): A Review of Research Findings in Families, Schools, and Treatment Facilities. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 22(4), 549–561. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10567-019-00295-z
Neven, R. Schmidt., Anderson, V. A., & Godber, Tim. (2002). Rethinking ADHD : integrated approaches to helping children at home and at school. Allen & Unwin. https://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/newcastle/reader.action?docID=286499